Relapse

Pain is pain. No one has the right to judge it, put limits on it, or qualify it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll ever feel better. So, what do you do? You can hate it if you want, resent it, resist it, or wish it wasn’t happening.

The fact is that it’s happening.

Let us Pray

Love Myself

Thank you Hailee Steinfeld for this song.

When I get chills at night
I feel it deep inside without you, yeah
Know how to satisfy
Keeping that tempo right without you, yeah

Pictures in my mind on replay
I'm gonna touch the pain away
I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

I'll take it nice and slow
Feeling good on my own without you, yeah
Got me speaking in tongues
The beautiful, it comes without you, yeah

I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard 'til it hurts
I know how to scream out the words
Scream the words

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Anytime that I like
(I love)

I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

October 8, 2015 - I date myself

Last night, I watched a movie by myself for the second time. It wasn't weird. If anything, it feels good.

The Martian was a good movie. Maybe the netizens are right, Matt Damon might snatch the Oscars for that.

Anyways, being by yourself is not something to be afraid of. We were all born alone right? I mean, have you seen twins get out of their mother's womb at the same time?! Crazy! You get what i mean.

We came to this world alone, so there's nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely.

I want to focus on myself. I want to take this time to improve me. To focus on my relationship with myself, my family, and God. Because I lost those relationship when I was with my Ex.

Words of Wisdom for Me

• Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.
• When we’ve survived the heartaches and trials of a relationship gone bad and a breakup gone awful, we’ve experienced two polar opposites of a spectrum. We’ve now seen how beautiful love can be and how easily it can be tarnished.
• We learn from these hurdles, each time becoming a little bit stronger, happier and smarter.
• We learn through our breakups that we can still be whole.
• That's okay. You should be letting it all out because if you keep it inside, it will only hurt more.
• But you should know that breakups are not always such a negative thing. Think back on all the troubles you've had in your life. You faced them head-on with a conviction so strong that you conquered them. Just like that, breakups make us stronger. It reminds you that your heart is still beating; it is still fighting. Change hurts but it has to happen
• If there's one thing that breakups have taught us, it's that life still goes on. Not everything that hurts us is meant to destroy us. Letting go isn't just about saying goodbye, it's also about embracing a new part of your life, welcoming new changes and discoveries and experiences. Instead of fearing the unknown, open your arms wide and gladly welcome it. Uncertainty may seem terrifying but then it always brings pleasant surprises. Everything in your life happens unexpectedly but they occur for a reason. Recall the first time you met your boyfriend, you didn't know back then what would happen between the two of you, but then you let him enter your life and I'm sure that brought along sweet memories. Now that that's over, it's time to embrace once more the unknown–you never know what new things it will bring you.
• It may have seemed as if forever actually existed with him. Maybe you already made future plans in your head, imagined how your wedding would look like, or how two to three years from now, you'd be celebrating your something-anniversary. Love. Four simple letters that are not to be taken lightly. It makes you feel so much bliss and euphoria. Yet no matter how much joy love can bring, it can also be lethal because of that one other word: goodbye. Breakups are excruciating, no matter how long or short the relationship lasted, how much time you've spent together, or how dearly you wanted to be with him. It may seem as if your world is crumbling, that there's nothing else to do but cry and let everything out.
• Exploring doesn't hurt. Now that you have more free time in your hands, you could use it to try something new or explore new cities and horizons. Go out there and enjoy being by yourself. Treat yourself to that coffee shop hopping date. Go around that museum that you've always wanted to visit. Take that calligraphy or yoga class that you've been eyeing. You finally have the time to do whatever you want—use it! Celebrate this season of you being with yourself because times like these are rare. When you're in the process of healing, it's good to be around friends but it's also better if you save time for yourself to heal your own wounds.
• The best thing about a breakup is accepting the fact that some things aren't really meant to be. We can't always be in control of what happens in our life but that doesn't mean we're going to give up. Life is tough but you're tougher, whatever happens, you know that you can get through it. They say that when one door closes, another opens. Don't be afraid to enter that new door. It doesn't matter if you take baby steps or large strides, what matters is that you are ready to once again show the world that you can be hurt but never broken. Someday, you will thank that boy who broke your heart because although he may have hurt you, he shook you up and made you realize that there is a bigger world out there that you haven't discovered yet.

Another dream..

You crossed my dream again via FB message, asking for a favor.

Is that what everyone thinks of me?

I hate you! Fuck you! The pain you caused me is still here. Like a knife stuck in my heart. And even though my heart is not bleeding anymore, because it bled out already, the knife is still there. It still hurts, every now and then I shed a tear, every now and then I remember things, memories, plans, and I do my best to push it to the back of my mind. I really wish I'd have amnesia, even just a year of my life, I am willing to erase my memories, just to ease the pain, just to be able to pull out the knife you stick to my heart, just to let the wound close and heal. Because the truth is, I'm dead already.
I died due to exsanguination. And the most painful part is, I'm still hurting after you've killed me.

In Rage

Sometimes your friends are your friends, but there are times that your friends are shitty and act like assholes.

I hate it when they take me for granted. They always do. I always do things and small to big favors for them because that's me, there is a part of me that hates disappointing people, that's why I can't say no. But sometimes, I know this attitude of mine sucks because they take me for granted. I;m the friend who is always there for them, someone you can rely on, but when it comes to them. When I;m the one asking for favors, they're as shitty as poop, and can't even do the thing right. Not even a single hint of seriousness or care or damn was given.

I wish I had a friend like me.